This will come as a shock – particularly to readers who over the years have dithered, questioning whether or not to renew their subscription only to be drawn back by the reliable and irresistible gravity of this column. But truth will out – and in the end a clean breast is easier to live with than a glossy reputation.

Some 45 years ago I ran a proud patch of lawn whose clandestine contours allowed me to maintain an unbroken record in the house version of bowls. I saw an encroachment of moss. I treated it with… well ...with mercurised lawn-sand. Mercurised. Within hours the scorched grass was ...

 

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